Where cutting-edge dentistry meets chaotic spiritual energy.
We don't just clean teeth. We liberate them.
CHOMPERZ™ was founded in 2019 when Dr. Crystal Molarstone had a vision — a vision involving a lot of teeth, some fog machines, and an overwhelming sense that dentistry was being done wrong.
We are a full-spectrum dental experience studio located inside a former laser tag arena that still kind of smells like laser tag. We've added plants. Most of them are real.
Our philosophy: Your mouth is a portal. We treat it with the reverence it deserves — using state-of-the-art equipment, artisanal numbing gel, and a Spotify playlist that Dr. Molarstone personally curates every single morning at precisely 6:44am.
We believe in radical tooth transparency. If we see something, we say something. Even if it's just that your bicuspid has excellent energy and is clearly the main character of your mouth.
📍 123 Enamel Ave, Suite 🦷, Los Angeles — Formerly a laser tag arena. The lasers remain. 
Dr. Crystal Molarstone has been described as "a dentist" by multiple licensing boards and "genuinely unsettling" by her college roommate. Neither description captures the full picture.
She trained at The University of Places (magna cum laude, Dental Division), completed a 3-year fellowship in Advanced Molar Consciousness at an institution she prefers not to name for "ongoing legal reasons," and briefly held the title of Regional Flossing Champion (Southwest Division, 2023).
Dr. Molarstone believes that every tooth has a story, and she will tell you that story whether you want to hear it or not — typically while her hands are fully inside your mouth. Patients report this as "surprisingly comforting," "deeply confusing," and "actually kind of healing, I think?"
When not dentisting, she maintains the wellness blog "Teeth & Feelings," competes in local competitive flossing, and is currently finishing her memoir: "The Molar Diaries: A Love Story." She expects it to be a major award winner.
We offer a full suite of dental experiences designed to transcend the ordinary concept of "going to the dentist." Every service includes a complimentary tooth reading and one (1) sticker. Sticker design is not negotiable.
Not just a cleaning. A cleansing. We remove plaque, tartar, and negative energy using our proprietary Sonic Purification Technology™, followed by a light misting of artisanal peppermint essential oil sourced from a small farm in Oregon.
Eight shades whiter or we try again until we both feel good about it. Uses our signature Diamond Gel Formula, which contains no actual diamonds but does have an extremely aspirational name and a price point to match.
We go in. We find what's there. We remove it. We fill it with a composite material that costs more than it should. We then provide a brief, heartfelt eulogy for the tooth structure that was lost. Sedation is available and honestly encouraged.
Your damaged tooth deserves to be treated like royalty. Our crown placement includes a brief ceremony, a sash (dental bib), and Dr. Molarstone will play whatever song you request during the procedure, no questions asked, within reason.
Available 24/7 via our emergency line (please text first — Dr. Molarstone is not a morning person before 10am or an evening person after 9pm). We will free your tooth from its suffering for a slightly elevated after-hours energy surcharge.
For the tooth that just needs to "figure itself out." We offer traditional metal braces, clear aligners, and a 6-session emotional support coaching package to help your teeth stay motivated throughout the multi-year process. Results vary. Commitment required.
All plans include a complimentary tooth reading, playlist access, and one (1) sticker.
* All prices in USD. Subject to change based on vibes. Insurance accepted spiritually. We are not responsible for any personal revelations that occur mid-procedure. Ask about our family plan: "The Whole Mouth Family."
"I came in for a routine cleaning and left with a completely different understanding of myself as a person. My teeth have never looked better. My therapist says she's noticed a meaningful shift in my overall presence."
"Dr. Molarstone looked at my molar and said it was 'holding onto something.' I don't know exactly what that means but I felt genuinely seen for the first time in years. She also fixed my cavity. Five stars. Would ascend again."
"The fog machine in the waiting room was unexpected. Very unexpected. But then she gave me a holographic sticker and told me my canines have 'warrior energy' and honestly it was the most affirmed I have ever felt about my teeth. Five stars."
Don't make them wait any longer. Every day without a CHOMPERZ™ visit is a day your teeth spend in the dark, wondering if you care about them. They have feelings. We checked.
SCHEDULE MY MOUTH DESTINYNo judgment. All mouths welcome. Results may vary. Feelings guaranteed.